while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
