I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So squirting runs in the family.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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