I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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