She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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