i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
