My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
