btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
