Jerry, you need to find god
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
