Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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