I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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