life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
