Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Someone signed my nipple.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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