I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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