i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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