I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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