Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize