girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
