please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Randomize
