Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
