so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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