I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
