My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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