Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
