Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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