well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
