it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
