does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
