I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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