It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dignity is for republicans.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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