I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
