I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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