I think my fart just growled at me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
