The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
