i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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