i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
And then he peed in my hair
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