... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
