Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
