went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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