Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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