I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
