My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
