and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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