I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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