Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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