Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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