Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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