My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
