He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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