I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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