I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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