i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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