I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
