This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
