when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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