by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They took my balls.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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